Trauma

I keep reflecting on my blog post about water trauma. It tells a story: a story of trauma and its aftermath. It’s a story I tell myself and others. This story is useful, up to a point. I believe that I needed to understand the cause of my panic around water in order to work with it.

But even animals suffer in the aftermath of trauma. I’ve recognized what looks like PTSD in them. When we look at this from the evolutionary perspective, we see that it is valuable for an animal to remember past danger and injuries, in order to protect oneself and one’s offspring (and one’s ability to reproduce) in the future. When one finds oneself into a situation that has been dangerous enough to cause trauma in the past, one should react with hypervigilance. But when that hypervigilance and even panic is triggered by a similar situation in which that original danger is not present, the reaction no longer serves. 

It seems to me that the stories of my trauma are somehow stored in my body. After the worst incident with W, and up until I reported him to the police and shared the story of his abuse with my family, I carried pain and tension in my hips. I carried anger. Justifiable anger, the most dangerous kind.

I wonder, how will I know when it is time to let go of this story? By letting go, I do not mean forgetting. There will always be value in sharing our own tragedies and traumas so that others will feel empowered to share and work with their own stories. So that perhaps future harm will be prevented. Perhaps so that others can see that I did not arrive here by way of an easy road, and realize that they can find peace whatever their past or current struggles.


2016-09-12