I have a preteen daughter, and our philosophy on “bad words" has always been that the only “bad words" are those intended to hurt someone. It feels to me like the only logical position. She knows that this is not the societal norm. She knows that she will get in trouble if she swears at school, and that if friends’ parents hear her swearing, they might not want her to spend time with their children. Her friends are fascinated that I let her swear. I’ve watched their eyes get big and round when I didn’t scold her for a little curse word she let slip. Usually I explain the reasoning for our rule.
Occasionally my girl has pushed the boundary by swearing excessively. The last time this happened, I felt annoyed and told her so, while requesting that she please cut back on the swearing. She asked me why I would be annoyed, when swearing had never been off-limits.
I thought for a minute, and then explained that the way we generally use swear words is to draw heightened attention (I’m making a very important point, I feel very strongly about this topic, I hurt myself, I’m frustrated and need help or encouragement, etc.), and when she is constantly drawing my attention by using swear words in every sentence, I get annoyed. It draws my full attention away from whatever I’m doing and to her. These words have been given that power by our culture.
I get it. I’ve been there, as a slightly narcissistic teenager, when I wanted to be provocative, but also to place emphasis on everything I was saying because all of it was so important. But it’s like the boy who cried wolf. When teenagers or adults curse excessively, they often remind me of toddlers saying “look at me, look at me!”
Often, I think that’s exactly what it is. A bid for attention. She’s just a kid. She looks so much like a little woman now. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she isn’t. As she moves closer and closer to her teen years, these bids for attention are lessening. Now, more than ever, it feels important to me to turn towards every one of them.
And there it is. For those of you who don’t allow your kids to swear, when they do let one slip, perhaps you could consider turning towards them, towards this bid for attention, rather than punishing them for non-adherence to a rule.
Swearing is, perhaps, unique in socially transgressive behavior, in that this "misbehavior" is used as a verbal bid for attention by both children and adults.
2016-11-04
