the jacarandas

The jacarandas

when they flower

always remind me of my grandfather. 

That quiet man 

who sat in his chair

in the corner

watching the rest of us. 

So many times
he spoke of how the streets of his hometown 

were carpeted with purple

every spring 

when the jacarandas flowered.

That first spring 

after he died 

I cried when I realized

that he wouldn't see them bloom 

This year

Or ever again. 

2016-04-15

I know the price I am willing to pay

I dreamed last night that I was walking with a group of people down a path through the forest. Someone approached us and told me that my lover had died. My world went white for a moment with the shock of it, and then all the color drained out of everything, and all the joy. The trees grew together over my head, and the sky darkened even though it was the middle of the day. People reached for me, but I was alone. They couldn't touch me. I felt myself sinking underground, the dirt and rocks falling along with me. There I was again in that dark pit of grief, where no light and no laughter could reach me. I know that place well.

This dream reminded me of something I've never forgotten. All love ends in heartbreak for someone. By loving again, by loving so deeply, I’m accepting this. Pain is the price of love. I came into this relationship walking fully in that awareness. I could never be as open as I was, as I am, without that knowledge, without knowing what exactly it is that I am accepting. I know the price I am willing to pay.

2016-04-14

April 13, 2016

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the busy rush of life swirling around me. There is always so much to do. Run here, run there so you can buy this, buy that. Do, do, do! Such a frenzy to achieve the next thing, to reach the next goal. But so often it seems to me that there's nothing one can do, really. The most beautiful thing, the only thing that one can do is to simply be. It seems one person is too small to have any effect, it is impossible to really do anything. All we can do is observe the tempest around us and enjoy the stillness inside.   


2016-04-13

I was alone, and it was beautiful.

Sometimes I astound myself

with how much love I can hold 

inside this body.

My lovers

each one so different from the next

and the beloveds of my beloveds.

the beauty that surrounds me

and strongest of all

after the first shock

the new life inside me

protected with everything I had

loved beyond any previous imaginings.

There was a time

not so long ago

when I felt that romantic love,

for me,

was over.

That time of my life was past.

I seethed and suffered,

internally railing

against the unfairness of it all,

the fairy tales and love songs

that lied and lied,

that perfect partnership

forever out of reach,

a life of loneliness ahead.

But somehow

one day,

I finally felt whole

within myself.

No need of anyone else

to fill an emptiness inside.

No emptiness was there.

Nothing missing.

I was alone

and it was beautiful.

And from this place

of no expectation,
love blossomed.

2016-04-12